Here is some information that might help you.
Autism is a spectrum, and everyone will show different signs and characteristics.
This blog is not a diagnosis of your partner. I hope it provides you with information that is reassuring and helpful, and a guide that may answer some of the questions you may have.
As you spend more time with your male partner, whether it be years or months, you may have noticed some unusual responses, reactions, comments or quirks. We all have these, of course, but if you are neurotypical, you may have come to expect certain reactions in particular situations.
With an autistic man, you may notice characteristics and responses that are unusual or unexpected to you.
Perhaps you have been wondering why things feel different. Perhaps you have wondered if it’s you, blamed yourself, or found yourself having arguments about needing reassurance and affection.
You will probably have started looking online, trying to find answers to your questions.
In any relationship, knowledge and communication are key. Communication with an autistic man may be different from other relationships you have had before. Learning about autism and how autistic people may experience the world can be very helpful with this.
Yes, compromise is involved, but the results can be very rewarding.
Why autism can be missed in adult men
Many men reach adulthood without being diagnosed as autistic. They may be aware that they are different in many ways from other men but have never really understood why.
Some men may have learned to cope, adapt, mask or simply ‘push through’. Their traits may have been described as shyness, awkwardness, bluntness, being quirky, odd, weird, stubborn, clever but difficult, or being ‘set in their ways’.
They may manage work or practical life well, while emotional and relationship difficulties remain.
Relationships, parenting, work stress, ageing parents, bereavement or other life changes may heighten stress and make autistic traits more noticeable for a period of time.
The National Autistic Society describes masking as something some autistic people do consciously or unconsciously to appear non-autistic and fit in socially. The NHS also notes that signs of autism may not always be obvious and may only be recognised later in life.
Questions you may have asked yourself
As you try to understand your partner, you may recognise some of these questions.
Why does his behaviour change when we go to social functions?
Why does he spend so much time reading, gaming, on his phone, away from home or focused on one particular thing?
Why is he no longer interested in spending time with me?
Perhaps you wonder why he isn’t showing you the same affection, love and interest that he did at the beginning of your relationship. Or why he won’t engage with you about emotional topics that are upsetting you.
You may notice that certain sounds or sensations really wind him up. It might be a person tapping on a surface, an unexplained noise in the car, someone whispering, a jangly bracelet, music that is too quiet or too loud, someone sitting too close, or their clothes brushing against him. Even physical contact, such as touching or hugging, may sometimes cause discomfort.
You might ask why his answers are so blunt or rude to everyone, or why he doesn’t remember to give you a present on your birthday or at Christmas.
If you have children, you may wonder why he doesn’t seem to engage with them, or why he doesn’t show the interest or concern you expected during pregnancy.
You may even find yourself thinking, ‘Why does he appear so self-centred or selfish?’
Some partners begin questioning whether behaviour that leaves them feeling hurt or confused could be narcissistic or amount to gaslighting. These are serious concerns that deserve careful consideration. Autism does not automatically explain or excuse harmful behaviour.
These questions can be upsetting, particularly when the same situations keep happening and you don’t understand why.
Common signs of undiagnosed autism in adult men
There are a number of characteristics you may have noticed in your boyfriend, partner or husband.
Literal thinking and communication. He may take things very literally or have difficulty reading between the lines. He may communicate in a blunt or very direct way, or find emotional conversations difficult.
Tone, facial expressions and body language. You might also notice that he sometimes misreads someone’s tone of voice, facial expression or body language. He may appear calm or detached when others would expect more emotion.
Social situations and sensory sensitivities. Social situations may leave him feeling tired or withdrawn. He may have particular sensory sensitivities, or strong interests and a deep focus on certain subjects.
Routine and predictability. You may notice a strong need for routine, predictability and control. Changes to plans might cause him considerable stress, and he may find flexibility or compromise difficult.
Withdrawing or shutting down. When there are too many demands, he may withdraw or shut down. You may also find that he prefers to deal with facts, solutions and practical actions rather than discussing emotions.
These are some of the characteristics associated with autism, but they will not apply to everyone.
The NHS lists signs of autism in adults that include difficulty understanding facial expressions, gestures or tone of voice, taking things literally, having fixed ways of doing things and becoming distressed by changes in routine.
What partners may experience being with an autistic man
Living with these differences can sometimes be difficult, particularly when you don’t understand why certain things keep happening.
You may feel lonely even though you are in a relationship. You may feel unheard or misunderstood, and find yourself thinking, ‘I don’t know whether he can’t understand, or whether he doesn’t want to.’
Perhaps you keep trying to explain how you feel, but never seem to get anywhere. Arguments may go round and round in circles, repeating themselves for months or even years without anything changing.
You may feel hurt, upset or anxious as a result of his communication style, and start blaming yourself. You may think, ‘He says he doesn’t mean to upset me, but I still feel so hurt.’
Over time, frustration and anger may build. You might find yourself saying hurtful things in an attempt to get some sort of response, and then feeling guilty afterwards.
You may feel exhausted and fed up, unsure whether to bring up autism, or worried about what might happen if you do.
Resentment may build, and you may even reach the point of feeling ready to give up on the relationship or struggling to see a way forward yourself.
These can be very difficult feelings to deal with, especially when you care deeply about your partner and want the relationship to work.
What these signs do not mean
These signs do not prove that someone is autistic. Autism can only be diagnosed through an appropriate assessment. Similar patterns may also appear with stress, anxiety, ADHD, trauma, depression, personality differences or relationship strain.
Recognising possible patterns can be helpful, even without a diagnosis.
NICE (National Institute for Health and Care Excellence) guidance covers diagnosis and management of suspected or confirmed autism in adults aged 18 and over, so any formal diagnosis should sit with appropriate professionals.
For children, diagnosis can be important for accessing school support, extra exam time, support from SEND. For adults, the question may be different: “What would a diagnosis change?”
What would a diagnosis change?
Some adults will want a formal assessment. Others may simply want to understand themselves, their partner or their relationship better.
You may find that recognising certain patterns helps you understand some of your partner’s responses and reactions. It may help you approach situations differently, think about communication and consider what might make daily life easier for both of you.
A diagnosis may be helpful, but it doesn’t have to be the immediate aim.
How to raise the subject gently
This can be extremely tricky and may cause further upset or arguments. Some of these suggestions might help.
Try to choose a time when there is not too much external stress going on in your lives. Avoid raising the subject of autism during an argument.
You might begin by mentioning patterns you have observed that you would like to talk about. Using phrases such as ‘I’ve noticed…’ rather than ‘You are…’ can help make the conversation less confrontational.
Leave space for your partner to disagree, feel defensive or need time. Hear him out before continuing. You may find it better to return to the conversation another day.
Try to avoid pushing for a diagnosis. Instead, you could ask whether he might be willing to read some information about autistic traits, either with you or on his own.
Explain calmly that this is important to you and to your relationship. Every couple has times when communication is key to moving forward.
You could begin with something like:
- ‘I’ve been reading about autism in adult relationships, and some of it made me think about ours.’
- ‘I’m trying to understand why we keep getting stuck in the same places.’
- ‘Would you be open to looking at this together?’
- ‘I wonder whether there might be another explanation for some of the things we both find difficult.’
You know your partner, and you will have a sense of what approach may be most comfortable for him. Give yourselves time.
What to do next
If some of what you have read feels familiar, you may want to find out more.
Make sure you are reading reliable information. Be cautious about relying on AI-generated answers, social media and online forums. Some information may be based on unproven claims or personal points of view and can be misleading or unhelpful. Look for information from recognised autism organisations, medical journals, books about autism and your GP.
Be aware of repeated patterns and traits over time. It may help to write down examples of situations you find difficult, rather than making accusations.
Consider whether a conversation with your GP or a formal assessment would be useful.
It is also important to seek support for yourself as a partner. There are charities that provide support, counselling and groups where you may be able to meet others in similar situations.
You might find it helpful to take up a new interest or sport, giving yourself a break and time to recharge your batteries.
Try to avoid negative online forums where most of the conversation is condemning. This is unlikely to help you understand your situation or move forward.
If you feel you need to speak to family or friends, choose those who will be non-judgemental and able to provide the emotional support you need.
Above all, focus on your relationship and what might help your daily life, rather than concentrating only on whether your partner has a diagnosis.
A final thought
If you have found yourself on my website, you will probably have been looking for answers for some time.
All of this information can be daunting. You may feel upset because what you have read has resonated with you.
Perhaps you feel relieved that you have found some answers to questions you have been thinking about for a long time.
You may also feel daunted because, in order to move forward with your boyfriend, partner or husband, you need to understand what the next steps might be and what the repercussions could look like.
You do not need to have all the answers straight away. This is going to take some time, and there may be no quick solution.
Noticing patterns can be the beginning of understanding.
Compassion matters to both of you, and support is available even without a diagnosis.
Make sure you take care of your own emotional wellbeing as you move forward.
Would it help to talk things through?
If you are struggling to understand what may be happening in your relationship, you may find it helpful to talk to someone who understands autistic family life.
I offer confidential, one-to-one emotional support coaching for partners and family members of autistic adults, including those who may be undiagnosed.
You can talk openly about your concerns, the difficulties you are experiencing and the questions you may have, without feeling judged or pressured to make decisions.
If you would like to talk things through, please get in touch to arrange an online session.
